Welcome in, the tea is waiting.
Monday
First day of school.
I insist on a picture and am naturally met with resistance. I convince James I only need one.
My camera roll says I took twenty-three.
Tuesday
It starts to rain as I pull into the parking garage. The last time I was here was ten years ago, when James broke his arm.
I have no idea where to go. Like a maze through endless corridors, I finally find the right office.
I walk up to the desk to check in, and the receptionist asks the reason for my visit.
I manage to squeak out, āMammogram.ā
In the waiting room, thereās a mix of anxiety and confidence. You can tell which women have been here before and which are there for the first time, like me.
They call my name.
I go back for more images. Itās a little more intense than Thursdayās mammogram, but I get through it. Then Iām ushered into another waiting room.
This time, all the women are wearing the same purple cotton gowns as me.
The room is warm. Itās welcoming. It smells nice. Iām sure theyāve designed it that way, in case someone is about to receive bad news. Thereās none of that familiar sterile hospital smell.
Iām convinced Iām fine. Iām just wasting their time when they could be helping someone who actually needs it.
Iāve checked my breasts countless times since they told me to come back.
It feels like Iāve been waiting forever.
My technician reappears in the doorway.
āI need to bring you back in. The radiologist wants more images.ā
My chest feels tense. Iām frightened.
I walk into the room and see a picture of my breast with a circle around one spot.
She positions me in the 3D mammogram machine.
āDonāt breathe.ā
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick-tick.
āBreathe.ā
Iām not sure I can.
Back to the waiting room.
Then another woman calls my name.
Time for the ultrasound.
She tells me my left breast looks fine.
Phew.
But they want another look at the right.
I lie back as she spreads warm gel across my skin and moves the ultrasound wand over my breast. For a brief second, Iām transported back to being pregnant with James and having a sonogram.
When she finishes, she tells me the radiologist will be right in.
She isnāt.
I wait.
The anxiety creeps back.
I try the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise my therapist taught me.
A curtain.
A sign that says Clean.
The hospital bed.
Cabinets.
A picture of a rose on the ceiling.
The gel on my chest.
The washcloth in my hand.
The buzz of hospital machines.
Footsteps in the hallway.
My own thoughts.
Finally, the radiologist comes in.
Sheās lovely.
She takes the wand herself and spends a few more minutes looking.
Then she explains that she sees an area of different density, but she believes itās simply breast tissue and the HRT I started this summer could be causing the change. She wants me to come back for another mammogram in six months.
I leave feeling... unsettled.
Should I feel relieved?
Probably.
But it feels like a door has opened that I wasnāt ready for.
Later that afternoon, my results appear in my health portal.
BI-RADS 3. PROBABLY BENIGN.
I get stuck on the word āprobably.ā
Wednesday
A very welcome beautifully ordinary day of work, tea, and shopping for my upcoming trip to Paris.
I try to decide between the hot pink and red sneakers and the white and forest green.
My heart says the hot pink ones.
My head says the white ones. Theyāll go with more outfits.
Thursday
There comes a point in the season when I let the garden go wild.
I donāt try to tame her or interfere. No more deadheading flowers. I leave her to breathe. Let her hair down a little.
I never know when this time will come. Itās just a feeling, like my garden is speaking to me, saying:
Please let me be.
Friday
There is a heavy haze in the air today. Itās so thick, I can see rays of sunlight touching the grass.
Against my better judgment, I take both dogs on a walk together. They act like theyāre about to go on a hunt in The Fox and the Hound.
Like the garden, sometimes I think they canāt be tamed.
Saturday
A stack of wood has been sitting in the driveway since July.
Lighting the wood burner when the weather gets cold is one of our favorite things. We ordered a full cord this time because we ran out last year. We werenāt going to let that happen again.
Every day, I look at the wood and think about the large task ahead of me.
Today was the day I finally got started.
I enlisted the help of James. Nothing like the promise of a little pocket money to get the job done faster.
A few hours later, the driveway is clear.
Sunday
The rain doesnāt know if itās coming or going. Lashing down one minute, sunny skies the next. It feels a little like the week Iāve had
I spend the morning binging How to Get to Heaven from Belfast. Around 1:00 PM I decide itās time to get a shower and head to the store. On the menu tonight, lasagne.
Shiiiit. I forgot the garlic bread.
Until our next cup of tea,
Abby